Where the Heart Lies
by Sataareth
Summary: A while after F!Hawke gave Isabela to the Arishok to save Kirkwall, she realizes that she has feelings for him and leaves for Par Vollen in search of both her happiness at the warlord's side and the certainty only the Qun can offer. Will she succeed in achieving these seemingly conflicting goals?Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Hawke dropped to her knees, half burying her daggers in the hot sand. She sat there, her hands still on the hilts of her blades, her head bowed. For a little while, she fought the scorching feeling in her throat and the pain in her chest, only to succumb to it a moment later, big tears disappearing almost instantly into the barren soil beneath.

"Hawke! By all the Paragons' naked behinds, I've been chasing you for hours, in this damned heat." Varric said, stubby fingers spread wide on his knees, as he was struggling to regain his breath. "The Tal Vashoth… did you find him?" he asked, his head tilted, his eyes trying to find hers. "Did you kill him?" he continued, at the sight of her bloodied weapons.

"I did" she said in a weary voice. "He's dead and I'm at my wits' end."

"Hawke… The Blooming Rose. Tonight. On me." he offered, a smile trying to cover the sadness in his eyes, as he knew her pain.

"No. Not until I kill them all. I shall not rest until…" a knot in her throat made her stop and she felt her eyes blurring with tears again.

"Until there is no one else here who reminds you of him?" Varric drove the proverbial dagger home. "Hawke, it's high time you forget about that horned bastard. Or was his manhood THAT big?" he gestured, in a desperate attempt to make his friend smile. It pained him to see her so distraught.

"Varric!" her voice shrilled, hurting her already parched throat. "He never touched me. There was _nothing_ between us, other than respect for each other… for a worthy opponent, no more." she repeated what she had told him countless times, every time Varric, driven by the despair in her eyes, brought up the only person in Thedas she did not want to hear about: the Arishok.

She didn't lie. The Qunari leader's most tender words to her were "I do not hope you die". Not very romantic, by any stretch of the imagination. Somehow, though, his respect was worth more to her than the love of all the men in Kirkwall. "You alone are Basalit-an." his words rang in her ears as clearly as they did the first time, so vivid that she instinctively turned her head. She knew she'll see nothing. Just the coast and the infinite sea, upon which her memory painted the sight of the Qunari ships leaving Kirkwall and a sharp pain stung her chest, again.

"Look" he winked, handing her a flask full of water, "we've been friends for a long while now." He stopped for a second, gathering his thoughts, trying to chose between funny and considerate. He was Varric. He could do both. He hoped. "The moment that damned Qunari left the docks, something shifted in you. Now, I'll give you this: you were never as charming as yours truly. But it's becoming ridiculous. It's downright depressing. You must've caught whatever Anders and Fenris were spreading around. Seriously, Hawke, no man is worth that much brooding over."

Hawke stood up, her hands still clenched on her blades, her fingers white. She looked at Varric, her eyes filled with sadness, regret and anger. She walked towards him and, as she passed him, her hip bumped painfully into his arm, but he was numb, not quite past the hurt her eyes had inflicted on him. "Hawke, wait up!" he cried, suddenly brought back to reality by the duty he felt towards her, as her closest friend, to do something to yank her from the invisible claws of the Qunari warlord that gripped her heart, as sharp and as excruciatingly painful as they would have been if that particular imagery would happen in real life. No. Even more.

"I saw Hawke today" Varric said, slamming Bianca on the table and then taking a brief moment to gently run his fingers on his beloved crossbow, like he was asking for forgiveness. "She's hopeless!" he grunted angrily, looking at Fenris.

The elf shifted in his chair and tilted his head, releasing a sigh. "The Arishok story again, I assume." he almost whispered, before drinking down the last remnants of his wine bottle. "Did she ever actually TELL you all this is about him? Maybe her lifestyle is taking its toll. Not unfathomable, you know. All the fighting, the enemies, the betrayals…" Fenris got up and started pacing.

"Were you not there when the Qunari left? The look in Hawke's eyes, I swear, scared me shitless. She was not herself ever since." Varric shook his head, yanking the bottle from the table and replacing it with a displeased look when he realized it was empty.

"She's a madwoman if she ever thought… No, she couldn't have. That doesn't sound like Hawke. I doubt she'd ever be crazy enough to think the Arishok could set his sights on her. A human." the elf snorted, a smirk adorning his face. "No, Varric. Her brother died, her sister was taken to the Circle, and then her mother died, then…" Fenris started to neatly string, in chronological order, the disasters that wounded Hawke over the years.

"Then the Qunari left" the dwarf interrupted. And suddenly she wasn't just hurt anymore. She wasn't just mourning. She was lost." said Varric, his head dropping to his chest.

"This isn't one of your stories, Varric. Hawke is a strong woman. But if it makes you feel any better, I'll have a talk with her. It doesn't hurt to have a fresh pair of eyes looking at this… Arishok problem." Fenris dismissed him with a flick of his hand.

"Hawke, I'm glad you came." smiled the elf, his arm so loosely around her waist, he wasn't actually touching her. Perfect gentleman.

"What is this about, Fenris?" Hawke said and let the elf catch a glimpse of her tired looking eyes.

"Hawke, I…"_Venhedis! This is insane!", _he thought. "I heard you haven't been feeling well lately." he lied.

"I'm in perfect shape. See?" She turned around, and then turned again to face him, a forced smile betrayed by the sadness in her gaze. "I've been hunting these Tal Vashoth that still remained on the coast…"

"Hawke." Fenris stopped her. "Varric seems to think that you… Struggle with some sort of feelings you might have for the Arishok."

She froze for a second and then she busted out laughing. "Struggle is an illusion, Fenris."

_"Fasta vass!"_, Fenris thought. "_The dwarf was right. Pity." _He would've hated to see his friend, a woman many men desired - some for her beauty, some for her strength, some for her wealth alone, falling prey to this thing that could never be. Maybe she likes torment. People that were hurt irreparably, sometimes… But no. No matter the devastating bunch of steaming crap life threw at her, Hawke was always strong. Never utterly destroyed. _Except now._ He saw it in her eyes. "So… You are not actually harboring some sort of infatuation with the Qunari, do you?" he pried.

"Oh, Fenris. I…" as she stopped, Fenris ceased his pacing and looked straight into her glossy eyes.

"Hawke, no…"

She hated what she saw. Pity. She couldn't take that from anyone, let alone her friend. She stood up and left without a word.


	2. Chapter 2

"Serah Hawke." Bodhan said softly, as to not bother her too much. "Your friend is here. She is waiting for you in the foyer."

Hawke dropped her feet on the floor lazily and forced herself into getting out of her bed. _"Let's see who's next to try and thoroughly humiliate me. Will they ever just let me be?" _she thought. As she was dragging herself down the stairs, Merrill exploded in a cascade of chuckles and silly questions. Hawke decided not to treat the mage too harshly, so she adorned her face with a welcoming smile.

"Merrill. I haven't seen you in a while. How are you faring?" Hawke swallowed a knot in her throat, flinching at the bitter taste in her mouth. She couldn't even remember when she ate last.

"Aye, Hawke, we haven't seen much of you at the Hanged Man for quite some time. Are you well? You look very pale, really." the elf examined her with curious, huge eyes, a sincere concern showing on her face.

"I'm fine, Merrill. For some reason, Varric has decided to torment me with his silly excuse for a good gossip… As it turns out, in his latest story, he has me hopelessly sobbing as the Qunari ships disappear in the distance. Only the white handkerchief is missing. He's got all else covered. Hearts destroyed, people drinking away their miserable lives, the works." Hawke joked, knowing she might not be able to withstand one more curious probing into the depths of her heart by her companions.

"So, the whole Arishok crisis is just his overactive immagination?" Merrill raised a brow. "Hawke, what's going on? Not that I wouldn't understand your fascination. As I said before, the Qunari are easy on the eyes. Even I miss those muscles glistening in the sun. Oh! I'm starting to sound like Isabela… I wonder what became of her. Do you think she submitted to the Qun, Hawke?" the little elf said, barely ever stopping for even one breath. "I'm sorry, I'm rambling again."

"Maraas imekari…" Hawke whispered, turning to face the warmth of the imposing fireplace in her living room. At her feet, her mabari was chasing rabbits in his sleep.

"What was that, Hawke?" Merril said, lightly touching the fabric of her sleeve.

"Nothing, Merrill. Varric is… himself, you know him. There was never…" she wanted to repeat the same excuse she had ready every time Varric pestered her, but she suddenly noticed how tired it sounded. "There was never a need for an intervention. The Qunari left, Kirkwall still stands, that's all that matters" she said, her eyes following the dance of the flames.

"Do YOU still stand, Hawke?" asked the elf, showing a level of insight Hawke never believed her capable of.

"No, Merrill." She spoke the words without thinking. _"I'm tired. So tired." _she realized.

Merrill sat down on the rug in front of the fireplace and tucked her legs beneath her. "What's happening to you, Hawke?" her eyes begged for a sincere answer.

"When he left, he took everything I cared for with him." Hawke confessed, still not sure what made her very soul unveil in front of the prying mage.

"Isabela?!" Merrill let out a cry of amazement.

"No, silly. His respect. His strength. His eyes. His voice… Himself." she said, and her chin lowered, in shame.

"Oh. Hawke, I'm sorry. I didn't know you loved him…" she said, a veil of sadness pushing her eyelids down.

A shiver went down Hawke's spine. She shook visibly, her knees slightly bending against her will before she had any chance to even try to regain her composure. _"By the Maker, she's right. I do love him." _she thought. She had lied to herself all this time. It's respect, camaraderie, the recognition of his formidable strength and intellect. He's a worthy rival, someone above the festering squaler of this city. Hey, on a good day, she'd even throw in some lust. But love? Unrequited and hopeless? That was out of the question. Until now. "_Yeah, thanks Merrill"_ she thought and squinted her eyes. She felt nauseated and tucked her stomach beneath her forearms. "I do." she whispered. One last guilty confession. Oh, Kirkwall is going to enjoy this one!

"Hawke, why don't you go after him? You know, like in Varric's love stories." said Merrill in as warm a tone as she could possibly convey.

"He is the Arishok of the Qunari! He has no use for a beat down, hopeless wreck like me! He probably has a mate, a kossith woman, not a puny human like me. I might've gained his respect in a land whose people and customs utterly disgusted him, but on Par Vollen, I stand no chance. Even here, he never led me to believe…". She stopped. She felt naked and vulnerable. For a moment, she questioned her sanity, since the innocent elf mage was the last person she would've normally confided in.

"Hawke, I doubt that you being a human was what stopped him." Merril tried.

"What do you mean?" Hawke turned to face her, somehow anticipating that Merrill will shine some akward, totally irrational and even insane light on the issue… Something that would make perfect sense.

"You're no more human than he is." the mage threw her arms out.

"Explain" demanded Hawke, towering above the little elf, suddenly feeling the same thrill of dominance that she imagined the Arishok felt every time they spoke.

"He is the Arishok. He's expected to model the Qun for all his people, especially while in a foreign land. If he falls, they all fall. All that are with him, at least. You are - and were even before you saved the city, a hero. A fighter. A problem solver. A diplomat. A business first type of person. Not human. Certainly not a woman."

Two huge tears rolled down Hawke's cheeks. Inspite of her fear, her reluctance, her lust, even, she fought with herself to never show him any weakness. And every time she restrained herself she knew, in her heart, that his respect for her grew. But she did it at the expense of all the bits and pieces of her heart that she now struggled to gather. She would never feel whole again. Not without showing him who she really was. This much she was certain of.


	3. Chapter 3

"Fenris" Hawke let herself drop on one of his chairs. "Teach me." she said, her eyes more determined and brighter than the elf saw them in a long time.

"What do you wish to learn, Hawke?" he smiled, sitting across the table, a spark of curiosity raising one of his eyebrows.

"All you know about the Qun." Hawke swallowed hard, but then she realized it was too late for hiding. Soon enough, Merrill will tell Varric about their little chat and, one way or another, through him, all of Kirkwall will know. She wondered if her finally opening her heart was but a conspiracy of her subconscious mind, meant to force herself into running as far away from Kirkwall as she could and head to somewhere more… Qunari. Like Par Vollen.

"I thought as much, Hawke. In spite of you trying to hide it. Even people who don't know you that well thought something was amiss." Fenris looked at her, one corner of his mouth raised in a faint smirk.

"Fenris, I am here to learn." Hawke said in a dismissive tone. She did not expect him to understand what she felt, but if someone could even begin to explain the Arishok to her, that was Fenris.

Two months have passed. Hawke was soaking in everything that the elf cared to share about the Qun, every bit of knowledge making her feel closer to understanding the man she loved. She was still hunting Tal Vashoth, telling herself it was the right thing to do, since they were camping so close to the city.

She hid behind a big boulder not far from the cave entrance and waited. She saw about a dozen of them coming out carrying crates. Contraband, no doubt. She listened intently, even though her Qunlat was rough, at best. Her whole body tensed when she heard the words "gaatlok" and "Ferelden". "_Were they producing the explosive powder themselves? Were they going to sell it to her country?" _she wondered, feeling a drop of sweat falling on her eyelashes. Somebody must've stolen the secret formula. That much she was certain of. For a moment, she didn't know if she wanted to just leave them alone or try her best to foil their plans. Her eyes moved frantically from left to right, a testament to the battle in her heart. And then she stopped. If she were ever to convert, she owed it to her future brethren to stop the Tal Vashoth, no matter who was standing to profit from their dirty deals. She knew she must act. Cloaked in the shadows, she slipped past them and into the cave. Hawke could hear the few that were left inside talking and laughing, unaware of her presence. She got close enough to the first guard that she could feel the heat emanating from his body. He fell without having the chance to alert the others, his throat slashed in one clean, fluid movement. She picked them one by one, until an eerie silence fell on the entire cavern. Hawke furiously broke all their flasks and tools used to make the deadly powder, gathering all the notes she could find and shoving them in her backpack. Stopping in front of a chest, she let herself fall to her knees and picked its lock. _"The scroll! This must be the formula!" _she thought, holding the piece of parchment in her hands, almost in reverence.

When she sneaked out of the cavern, the other ones were still waiting for the ship to take the merchandise. She screamed "Anaan essam Qun!" and exploded in a flurry of blows, quickly disposing of her enemies. No. _"The enemies of the Qun." _she corrected herself.

Before leaving, she dragged the crates back into the cave and set them on fire, making everything explode and erase any traces of the Tal Vashoth ever being there. _"Aveline would never forgive me if she knew what I just did"_ she though, grinning.

Hawke opened the door to the Hanged Man with a proud smirk on her face. In had been a good, fruitful day. She had planned her trip already and packed her bags, all that was left to do were the painful goodbyes, but she had a purpose, hopes, and plans for the future, and she knew her friends will be happy for her, too. Above all, she would see him soon and that was all she needed to feel almost giddy with excitement.

"Andraste's tits! It's Hawke!" Varric rose from his chair, a wide smile on his face.

"Hawke?" turned Anders, almost not believing his ears.

"It's me, alright." Hawke said with a warm voice. "I came to say goodbye."

"Are you going somewhere?" inquired Anders. "Can I go with you?"

"Anders, trust me." she said with a shudder. "Where I'm going would be the last place in Thedas you want to be."

"Hawke, unless you're going to Qunari lands, I doubt that…" the mage laughed and drew his chair closer to the table. _"Hawke would never do that… Would she?" _he wondered. The woman was his friend of many years and she stood, more than once, by his side, sympathetic to the mages' plight.

"Well, I'll be damned!" exploded Varric. "You're actually going after him!"

Hawke smiled, pouring herself a glass of the dwarf's wine. "Yes, I am." she said sheepishly.

"You've lost me." pouted Anders. "What in the name of the Maker are you two talking about, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I'm leaving for Par Vollen at dawn." explained Hawke.

"She's going to retrieve than man of hers." joked Varric, watching intently Anders's reaction.

"What man? Wasn't aware of any love story between you and a Qunari, Hawke." said the mage, puzzled.

"Varric! He's not MY man and I'm not retrieving him. I'm going to move there, convert to the Qun, and get away from all this fake, miserable crap." Hawke defended herself.

"Convert to the Qun? Are you mad? You're the Champion of Kirkwall for…" began Anders.

"Biggest mistake of my life. I am the Champion for something I shouldn't have done in the first place. It was not my duty to defend this poor excuse for a society and what do I get from it? I lost the man I loved and I got burdened with hundreds more problems that everybody wants solved, but nobody wants to do what it takes to solve them." she barked, unaware of both the harshness in her voice, and the steel in her eyes.

"Whoa, Hawke. I don't think I ever saw you so angry." noticed Varric, with a worried look on his face.

"I'm leaving just in time, Varric. Not a moment too soon. I am tired of the sickness in this city. I just wanted to say goodbye." she said with a tired voice, her tone betraying everything she felt in the two years that passed since he left.


	4. Chapter 4

After a long and frustrating journey by sea, the ship docked in the Kont-arr harbor. Hawke joined the other aspiring converts asking for passage to Par Vollen. It was the only way to reach the island without being attacked by the barrage of dreadnaughts that surrounded it. "Soon, I will be there. "_Soon, I will see him again. And I will…" _she paused, briefly cursing the lack of a valid plan to seduce him. Or at least, make him understand how she felt about him. She realized that she didn't yet understand the Qun well enough to find that one loopwhole she assumed she needed. That one weak spot in his heart's armor. She was good at finding weak spots, but this was going to be hard.

Par Vollen, on a bright, sunny day. Pristine sand, clear waters and a much welcomed breeze that made the heat almost bearable. She stepped off the ship full of confidence, hugging the backpack that carried the precious cargo: the copy of the gaatlok formula, along with the notes she took from the Tal Vashoth cavern.

Soon, the Ben-Hassrath started sorting the new converts. They were given new clothes, food and housing in what seemed to be some sort of barracks. Hawke, never being one to lack courage, asked to be taken to the Arishok. It was urgent and crucial, she said. It involved very important documents, taken from Tal Vashoth hands, she said. She was told, in no uncertain terms, that the Ben-Hassrath will take care of that and, if need be, bring the matter to his attention. Reluctantly, she emptied her backpack and handed them everything she had. Hawke could see the kossith woman's eyes getting wider and she knew this might just grant her the audience she requested. In worked. Just not how she expected.

"The Ariqun has to see this!" uttered the kossith, visibly shaken.

Hawke was in awe. She never saw a Qunari display any emotion that could be even remotely interpreted as weakness.

The Ariqun was a solemn presence and, if she wouldn't have met the Arishok before, Hawke might've felt intimidated by him. Although shorter and leaner than the warlord, the Ariqun wasn't, by any means, less imposing. Towering over her by about a foot, his eyes were gleaming with something very different than the Arishok's, something that Hawke thought was as close to tolerance as anything she ever felt from the Qunari. If she didn't know better, she could've sworn he took a liking to her. After countless questions and a lot of additions to what Hawke thought might be her viddathari file, she was dismissed without any explanation.

After lunch, the new converts were taken by the Ben-Hassrath to have their various skills tested. Hawke signed up for sparing and a few other things she knew she was good at.

The next day started with more tests in what seemed like an endless probing into all the aspects of her being. This time, she was being measured from head to toe by a couple of Tamassran. Hawke was feeling akward in the presence of the much taller women. The younger one was the most beautiful kossith female Hawke saw so far. Rich, white hair was caressing her bare shoulders. Her big, bright yellow eyes contrasted nicely with her otherwise small and delicate features. She held the same file Hawke saw in the Ariqun's office and silently wrote in it.

"This should do." said the older Tamassran after measuring the distance between her hip bones. "No restrictions." she added. "Give her to him."

The younger woman's bright eyes caught fire as she lifted her head to look the other kossith in the eyes.

"It is the demand of the Qun. And he asked for her. Her fighting prowess must not be wasted. Neither is her fertility." she said, staring the young Tamassran down.

"It will be done." the woman accepted, nodded and left the room.

"She discovered she was barren. You smell… very fertile. The Qun demands the Triumvirate's offspring" explained the old woman.

"Didn't she?" Hawke asked without thinking.

"It is not the same with kossith. We can't smell it as well as we do on humans. We rely on the speed with which a woman is impregnated. It is taking her far too long." the Tamassran replied.

Putting two and two together, Hawke froze. _"That bastard! So he did like me, that son of a bitch!_" she thought. It dawned on her that the younger woman was the Ariqun's mate, was rejected for being barren, and now he was asking for Hawke to take her place. _"Oh, how Varric would love that!" _she imagined her dwarf friend writing a dirty novel entitled "Hawke and the Triumvirate". Good thing the Arigena was female. Not that that aspect would stop Varric.

"Why do you shed tears?" the kossith asked.

Hawke didn't even realize when she started to cry. The absurdity of it all was too much. She took a moment to curse her own stupidity, the Qun and its rules, the Ariqun and his lust and even the Arishok. Especially the Arishok. "It won't happen again." she replied, wiping her face.

"Yes, it will. You're not the first human I deal with, Besrathari." smiled the woman, gathering her instruments.

Hawke's eyes brightened. _"They assigned me a role. A not too shabby one, either. Andraste's tits, if it wasn't for the breeding part…" _she thought.

Hawke was strolling lazily through the small garden next to the barracks, her fingers gently stroking the leaves of the bushes she was passing by. She was alone. Everybody else was having lunch, but she needed to think, to find a way out. One that did not involve fighting a whole island full of Qunari.

All of the sudden, she heard footsteps approaching and, out of instinct, leaped over the nearest bush and hid. She froze for a moment, and then a big smile joined the brightness in her eyes when she saw the man she loved.

"Arishok!" she screamed and jumped out of the greenery and into his arms, her ankles locking behind his back, before she realized what she was doing. In a split of a second, Hawke found herself on her back, his knee pinning her to the ground, threatening to crush all her ribs and drive them through her lungs.

"Besrathari? Explain!" the warlord retreated slowly, as if not wanting to cause her more damage than he already did.

The woman stood up, her hands shaking the dust off her bottom.

"You knew of the role I was given?" she whispered.

"I recommended it. It pleases me that you submitted to the Qun. Your place was not with those dathrasi, in that pustule of a city." he said, his tone devoid of any emotion.

"Thank you." Hawke blushed. She could still feel the lingering smell of him on her top. Tea… sweet spices… cinnamon, maybe?… and something else, very musky and masculine. As expected, that did nothing to reduce the redness of her cheeks.

"I would talk to you about the gaatlok formula." he continued.

"Arishok, I…" her tears choked her. She wanted more than anything to tell him about the Ariqun, to beg for some kind of rescue, but she knew he wouldn't care. He'll probably think it an extremely rare honor bestowed upon a human. And he would be right.

"I hold you no grudge, Besrathari. I am merely recognizing your worth." the Arishok said, looking at her sad expression. "Is there something you wish to tell me?"

"I was asigned a mate, it seems." She was going to tell him, but not go into any details. There was going to be no humiliating herself, she decided.

"I recommended that, too." the Arishok said, and it was the first time Hawke ever saw him smile. "You seem displeased." he noted.

"Did you recommend a particular person?" she asked fuming, her blue eyes as cold as steel, before giving way to tears.

"I did." he answered, watching Hawke's face giving off more hurt than he ever saw in a human before. "Did you meet him?" he asked, almost apologetically.

"No, not yet." she refrained from telling him she suspected who he was. "I assume they are going to take me to him." Hawke said, two big tears rolling down from the eyes that were watching him like it was for the last time.

"I am going to ask the Tamassran to give you a couple of days to get accustomed to the idea. Join me for tea tonight, in my office. Panahedan, Besrathari." he told her and headed for the barracks.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warning: My 1st modest attempt at writting smut.**

"Shanedan, Arishok." she said, turning her eyes around to admire his office.

"Shanedan, Besrathari." the Arishok gestured her to take a sit across the table from him.

Hawke was determined to pay attention to every detail, to soak it all in. She was pretty sure this would be the last time she had the opportunity to talk to him and was determined not to waste it, whatever the consequences.

"The Tamassran agreed to give you until tomorrow to get prepared for your new mate." he said calmly, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip from his tea.

Hawke frowned and took her cup with shaky hands, betraying her nervousness.

"When you submitted to the Qun, you knew what it entails, did you not?" he stood up and walked around the desk to face her.

"_There we go." _she thought. "_If I get out of here with my life, it will be a miracle."_

He got down on his knees, gripping the armrests of her chair. She could see the fire in his eyes and she gulped, expecting the worst. The Arishok wasn't exactly the type of guy anyone would want to piss off.

"It seems to me you haven't come to grips with that particular part of the Qun." he said, a claw tracing her jaw line and stopping under her chin, to lift it up, his face only inches from hers.

Hawke felt a shiver going down her spine and stopping where it mattered most. She wanted him. And only now she was realizing just how bad. He broke eye contact first and leaned in to smell her and lick her neck just below her earlobes. "Desire." he concluded with a smirk, looking into her eyes again. She smiled and pressed her lips on his. The Arishok went into a frenzy, his tongue almost painfully invading her mouth, his teeth grazing her lips. As Hawke wrapped her arms around his neck, he grabbed her behind and yanked her up. In one swoop, everything that was on the desk fell on the ground, and he laid her there. He broke their kiss to take one good, long look at her. One claw tore through the string holding her pants together, another one gently removed the sides of her top, unveiling her breasts. He stopped.

"You have a growing lack of disgust for me, I get it?" smiled Hawke.

"That does not begin to explain it." he replied and let out a faint growl.

She sat up and started kissing his chest, her fingers feverishly unlacing his pants. _"Damn! That's one thing that never crossed my mind…" _she thought at the sight of him, naked. The Arishok grabbed her arms, forced her down on her back again and started running his fingers over her breasts and stomach, his claws leaving red, bloody streaks in their wake. The small amount of pain was just perfectly blended with pleasure and Hawke let out a moan. His mouth started kissing and tasting her skin, while he slipped his fingers between her legs. Hawke locked her ankles behind his back, drawing him closer. He got hold of a fistfull of her raven hair and, pulling her head back, sank his teeth into her neck. She hissed loudly and scratched his back as she felt the pain of him trying to enter her. Slowly, the pain shifted to pleasure as he began moving inside her. Suddenly, he stopped and burried his head between her legs, and Hawke got hold of the edges of the desk, biting her lower lip, her head spinning. The Arishok pulled her towards him, turned her around, and entered her again. As he started moving faster, one hand gripping one of her hips and the other one between her legs, Hawke let out a loud cry as she came. Feeling her tighten around him, her body twisting in the throws of orgasm, he gave her a few more hard thrusts and came, growling and bitting the back of her neck. With a deep sigh, he let himself drop on his back and dragged her with him.

"I don't even know how many years ago I started wanting this to happen." confessed Hawke.

"Likewise." he said, gently wiping the sweat off her forehead.

Hawke was stunned. That she left the Qunari compound all hot and bothered every damn time was one thing. But to think that he desired her? That, she could've never guessed.

"Yet you're giving me to another man." she said, turning on her belly to face him.

He took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. "Do you trust me, Besrathari?"

"With all my being." she replied. And she meant it.

"Are you going to obbey the Qun?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." she said, her eyes becoming sad again.

"Shok ebbasit hissra, Besrathari." he smiled and kissed her again.

He took her once more, slowly and softly, as Hawke, teary eyed, was trying to burn the memory of it into her very soul.

"Your smell and taste are utterly intoxicating, Kadan." he burried his face in Hawke's hair and inhaled deeply. "And your tightness… most enticing." he said, lazily dragging one claw along her arm.

Hawke couldn't sleep half the night. She was tossing and turning, shedding all the tears she had left for the man she wanted for so long and lost so quickly. She was no expert, but even she knew that, provided she was fertile, she would be stuck with the Ariqun for the rest of her life. Or his. Or both. Finally, holding the fabric of her top that smelled like him, she fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

"Besrathari! Wake up!" the old Tamassran whispered and shook her arm.

"Mmmm?" replied Hawke, opening her eyes.

"Wake up. It's time to have you prepared for your mate." the woman said, staring at the claw marks on her belly and smiling. "Come, now. Today is going to be the best day yet", she chuckled.

Hawke took a moment to sit on the edge of her bed, her hands pulling slightly at her hair. _"No." _she thought_. "I'm going to trust him and go along with this. Maybe he has a plan_."

She was given a bath in which some herbs were thrown… "For fertility." came the explanation. The Tamassran helped her oil her skin and braid her hair. She was given a light purple dress which, although long, showed more than it covered.

"You're very beautiful… for a human." smiled the old woman. "Come with me. I'll take you to him."

When they got to the house, the younger kossith was still there.

"I was gathering the last of my things from my room." she excused herself and left.

"I will leave you alone. You can wait for him here or in the bedroom. Whichever you prefer." the Tamassran said and closed the door after herself.

Hawke never felt more alone in all her life. In spite her tears, she smiled at the memory of the friends she left behind, wondering how their lives were going.

"Shanedan, Besrathari!" smiled the Arishok.

She got up and ran into his arms. "Did you come to take me away? Please, take me away! I don't want another man to touch me! Not after being with you! I can't do this! I won't!" she cried and pulled at his armor's leather straps. And then she stopped, her eyes wide. This was a part of her not even she was fully aware of. The vulnerable Hawke who who was never allowed to surface. The weak, all woman, all in love Hawke, the sting in her chest, the knot in her throat, the pained, hurt and still hopeful Hawke. The one she swore she'd let him meet.

"And no one ever will. No one other than me, Kadan." he smiled and kissed her forehead.

"Then let's go! What are we still doing here? He's probably going to come home any minute!" she screamed, her eyes filled with despair._ "Let him know! Let him see! Grab him, hold him, burry him in your being!" _the inner Hawke was scratching the walls of her brain.

"Kadan… Calm yourself… This is MY house…" he held her squirming body tight.

"You mean…?" she stopped, looking him in the eyes, puzzled.

"Yes. You are _my_ mate. Until the day we die." he said, gently stroking her hair.

"I love the Qun!" she shrilled, kissing his whole face, ignoring his protesting grunts. "Don't ever do that to me again, Kadan…" she said softly, a warm smile adorning her face. "Do you want to show me our bedroom? They gave me a fertility bath… and it is the demand of the Qun, you know."

"Then we shall make the most out of this opportunity" he said, picking her up like she weighted nothing.

"I knew you were going to come to me." he confessed, playing with her hair.

"What made you think that?" she asked, climbing on top of him.

"I saw your eyes. It wasn't that vashedan bas you were going to miss. It was me. I knew it, then and there, that it wasn't the last I would see of you." he said, pulling her towards him and kissing her.

"What became of her? Do you know?" Hawke asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"She escaped us. She's somewhere in Rivain, I suppose." he replied.

"Are you going to hunt her down?"

"Right now, I have more important things to do." he smirked and rolled on top of her.

Not even two months have passed and Hawke found herself with child. Her first. His first.

She gave birth to a little boy, quite big for being half human, tiny, soft horns sprouting from his forehead.

"He's strong." the Arishok boasted. "He will turn into a great warrior." he said, his pride more than obvious. "Atash varin kata, Kadan!" he smiled and kissed his mate.


	7. Chapter 7

"Besrathari!" he called and started to take his armor off.

"Yes, Kadan?" Hawke welcomed him with a smile. Something was off. After almost two years at his side, she could read him like an opened book. "Is there something wrong?" she asked softly.

"The Qun needs you, Kadan. You will get your orders from your superiors tomorrow. It is not within your role, but you are the best suited for the mission." he replied.

And then she knew. A sinking feeling overwhelmed her. "Kirkwall?" Hawke whispered.

"Yes. We need eyes and ears there. Before we attack." he explained.

"It will be done" she nodded and swallowed hard. "Let me help you with the armor… I prepared you your bath. Do you want me to join you?" she winked and took his hand.

Hawke was packing her bags for Kirkwall. She had been given all non-Qunari clothing, armor and weapons and instructed on what her mission was. Board a merchant ship, get to Rivain, get a ship to Kirkwall, find out all you can, wait for the arrival of the Antaam. _"Easy enough" _she thought.

"Kadan…" the Arishok called her. "I cannot stress enough the need for you to get this done as swiftly as possible. You don't have that much time until you start showing." he said, concerned. She was with child again, and he knew he would've gone on a rampage against the whole of Thedas, if something were to happen to her or their child.

"Worry not, Kadan." she hugged him and rested her head on his chest. "It will be done in no time. Anaan essam Qun."

"I don't know if it's such a good idea to get involved in this, Anders!" Varric sighted, his voice weary.

"But this is not right! Meredith is insane!" Anders raised his voice, despair seeping through.

"She's not. Mages are dangerous. They need to be kept under control!" yelled Fenris, punching the table and spilling a jug of ale.

"Why are you fighting?" asked Hawke, raising an eyebrow.

"By the Maker, it's Hawke!" Anders rose from his chair so fast, he almost toppled it over.

"Hawke? Is that really you?" mumbled Varric.

"Let me look at you, Hawke! You look great!" smiled Fenris.

"Yes, it's me. I roamed long enough. It was about time I came home." said Hawke, taking a chair and joining them.

"Did the Qunari let you live?" asked Fenris puzzled.

"I never made it to Par Vollen. When I reached Rivain, I realized what a stupid thing I was about to do. And then I met a guy named Juan." she said sheepishly.

"Ooh, new material for my stories, Hawke!" Varric smacked his lips.

"Indeed. It was nice, while it lasted… Well, now that I'm home… what's new in Kirkwall?" she asked casually.

"The templars are getting worse and worse!" said Anders.

"Oh, cheer up, Blondie! Hawke just got here." laughed Varric, elbowing Anders's ribs.

"You're right. Perhaps you should visit me at the clinic one of these days, Hawke!" suggested the mage.

"Of course, Anders." Hawke replied. _"They didn't change at all. They're still counting on one person to fix all their problems."_ she thought.

"So, tell me about that man of yours. Was he human?" pried Varric.

"Yes. Antivan. I don't really want to talk about it, Varric. Leave it for some other time." she dismissed the dwarf.

"I'm amazed that you gave up on the Arishok, Hawke." smiled Fenris.

"Well, stranger things have happened, I guess." she blushed. She missed him so much, that hearing someone mention him almost brought her to tears.

Varric leaned in and raised an eyebrow. "And here it is again. That sad look in your eyes." he noticed.

"It's nothing, Varric. I just miss Juan. Sly bastard cheated on me." she invented.

"You know that, at some point, you'll just have to tell me the whole story." joked the dwarf.

"Yes… I know you won't leave it alone." she grinned.

Next day, she found out more than enough about the situation in Kirkwall. Both Anders and Fenris complained about the same thing, from opposite sides. At night, she sneaked into Darktown through the tunnel under her estate.

"Shanedan, Tallis!" she greeted her contact.

"Shanedan, Besrathari! What message do you have for me?" asked the elf.

"There's brewing conflict between the mages and the templars. I'm going to force a confrontation. Ask which side I should take and report back." whispered Hawke.

"The Arishok asks how you and the baby fare." smiled Tallis.

"Tell him we're both fine. If all goes well, we'll be home in no time. And, Tallis, the Antaam needs to be here right after the conflict starts." she instructed.

"They will be here in one week's time. Anaan essam Qun!" Tallis nodded and left.

As the elf woman's footsteps grew quieter, Hawke froze. She could clearly hear another person sneaking out, so she hid in the shadows and followed the ones that didn't come from Tallis's direction.

_"Varric…" _she realized. _"Was he listening in? Was he following me?" _She realized Varric had knowledge of the existence of the passage between her house and Darktown. She slipped back into the house and sneaked outside, through the front door. _"If they're guarding me, someone is bound to be around here, too." _she thought. Sure enough, she bumped into Fenris.

"Hawke! The elf backed up a little bit, startled.

"Fenris? What are you doing here?" she asked, her eyes demanding a straight answer.

"Hawke… let's go inside. We'll talk." he pouted.

"Speak!" she said sharply, closing the door behind her.

"Varric is worried about you. He said he's almost certain you're not over the Arishok. And he thinks you're lying about the Antivan." Fenris confessed.

"You guys are impossible!" she crossed her arms, avoiding his gaze.

"He's right, Hawke… Isn't he?" the elf grabbed her arms.

"Don't touch me!" she jumped.

"Whoa!" he retreated. "Very well. I just want to know the truth."

"Soon enough, Varric is going to let you know he saw me talking to a woman in Qunlat." Hawke said calmly.

"What?!" Fenris's eyes widened.

"She was… my lover. She's Qunari and we were arguing. I wanted her to leave the Qun for me, for us." she invented a story.

"Oh! And you were ashamed to tell us that?" laughed the elf.

"Yes." Hawke donned her most innocent look.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of." he winked. I'll let you go to sleep now.

"Fenris." she stopped him. "Thank you. Really. For taking care of me."

"Hawke, we're friends…"

"Aaaahhhhh!" she doubled over in pain.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt? I'm bringing Anders!" he said and ran.

"The baby is fine. It must've been something you ate." smiled Anders, holding her hand.

"Anders, I…"

"Hawke, what's going on? Your womb is too big for you to be only as far along as you say you are. But justice is only hearing one heartbeat. No way is that baby entirely human…" explained the mage.

"It's not… Anders, I need you to keep my secret. From everybody. In return, I will help you with the templars. I have a plan." said Hawke.

"Deal. But be honest with me, please." he pleaded.

"It's the Arishok's baby. I have fled Par Vollen because I don't want them to take my baby away from me after he's born." she said, teary eyed. She had lied to all her friends. One by one, they believed her lies, because they trusted her. She felt the thorough disgust for herself returning once again, just as sharp as it was when she used to look into Varric's eyes and say she cares naught about the Arishok. _"I've spent one too many days in their world, she thought." _Amongst the Qunari, nobody lied, nobody questioned her, and nobody was asking her for favors. Nothing to explain. Nothing to avoid. Nothing to escape.

"I understand. Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. Now, for the plan you mentioned…" inquired Anders.

"The Chantry. We blow up the Chantry and force a final confrontation. I will stand by you and I can convince most of our companions to do so. You know Varric and Merrill will accept. Even Aveline. And if she can keep the guards from siding with the templars, that would be a huge advantage." she explained.

"I like it. We should go look for the ingredients for the explosive as soon as you feel up to it!" Anders smiled, his eyes full of hope.


	8. Chapter 8

And so it began. The Chantry blew up, making the clash unavoidable. Sebastian left, every fiber of his being screaming for revenge on Hawke for sparing Anders's life in the wake of the cataclysm that took Grand Cleric Elthina's life. Varric, Merrill, Aveline, even Fenris joined them in their fight for the mages' freedom.

After the battle was over, Hawke allowed herself a brief respite and, drawing her daggers, she looked at them with something that closely resembled reverence, even love. _"Perhaps I should rename you." _she thought. One pierced First Enchanter Orsino's heart, when his despair and lack of faith in his allies' resolve pushed him into using blood magic and turned him into an abomination worse than anything she saw before. _"Bound." _Hawke shook her head. _"For there is no freedom to be found outside of yourself, if you can't find the freedom within." _The other one slashed through Knight-Commander Meredith's throat, when her insanity, brought on by the sword she had forged from the lyrium idol, took over her. _"Blind." _she decided. _"For thinking you can control that which you cannot understand is to be trully blind."_

"That was one hell of a fight, Hawke!" said Varric, with a tired smile, as they were heading towards the Docks district.

"Thank you, my friends. Now the mages, at least the ones who were still alive, are free and most flew the city. As a courtesy, I suggest you all do the same." she said, a blank expression on her face.

"What the…?" Varric gasped at the sight of the Qunari dreadnaughts.

"Kadan!" Hawke screamed and ran towards him. The Arishok grabbed her waist and lifted her up to kiss her.

"Hawke and the Arishok are together? How cute!" swooned Merrill.

"I should've known!" Fenris frowned.

"This might be our last chance to flee, people!" proposed Varric.

"I agree." nodded Anders.

"Kadan, I need you to board one of the ships. I'll leave a couple of guards." he said, his eyes scouring the now deserted compound that was given to the Qunari by the (very late) Viscount.

"It will be done." she smiled, burrying her face in the flesh of his chest.

"I've missed you!" the Arishok said, smelling her hair. "And I'm starting to get aroused. The men need me with a clear head."

"Then maybe we should get that out of your system…" she smirked, rubbing herself against him.

"Aaahh, you know I'll never be able to get you out of my system!" he said, deepening his kiss.

She slipped her hand in between the two of them to untie his pants and let him loose. He grabbed a fistful of her hair as her kisses descended slowly on his chest. As she took him in her mouth, he closed his eyes, threw his head back and hissed loudly.

"Am I the only one who sees this as a metaphor for what's about to happen to Kirkwall?" Varric whispered to the other ones in the hideout.

"Couldn've have said it better myself." Anders whispered, holding back a chuckle.

"Who the fuck had the great idea of hiding in their compound until shit settles down?" frowned Fenris.

"Shut up, you guys." said Merrill, her face all blushing.  
>The Arishok took a hold of her shoulders, lifted her up and pinned her against a wall. In a few swift moves, he removed all her armor, while frantically kissing, licking and bitting her skin. Suddenly, he took her in his arms and put her down on the first step, throwing her legs on his shoulders and pulling her hips towards his face.<p>

"Oh!" gasped Merrill. "Do people actually do that?"

"Shut up, Daisy! You're ruining the show." grunted Varric.

As she came, a loud gasp escaping her mouth, he entered her, his hand reaching for the back of her neck, to pull her in for a kiss.

"He's good." admitted Fenris.

The Arishok let her back down easily, his claws gently scratching the skin on one of her breasts, the other hand tracing its way down her belly and stopping between her legs. As his pace increased, Hawke sinked her fingernails in his back and bit his arm. He growled and yanked her head to the side, sharp teeth digging into the base of her neck. Hawke moaned loudly, her body shivering and arching again. He violently slammed his hips against hers a few more times and came with a growl that echoed off the walls of the compound.

"Now that's a dominant male!" Varric said, in awe.

"Go, Kadan! I don't want you in danger anymore. You did more than your duty already." he smiled and kissed her softly.

She nodded and started to pick the pieces of her armor off the ground.

"Oh, my!" gasped Merrill, as the Arishok turned and she finally saw him in all his glory.

"Damn! If I'd be a woman, I'd make a deal with a demon for that shit!" chuckled Varric.

"I'm going to join my men." the warlord said, lacing his pants.

"Be careful!" Hawke pleaded.  
>"Panahedan, Kadan!" he kissed her once more and left.<p>

"Hawke! Pssst! Hawke!" whispered Varric, coming out of the hiding place.

"What are you guys doing here?" Hawke said, startled. "Did you see… all that?" she blushed, horrified.

"Oh, yeah!" laughed Anders.

"You should really take this opportunity to leave. You won't be able to get away for much longer!" she frowned.

"Take care of yourself, Hawke!" Merrill hugged her.

"Thank you, Hawke. For everything." smiled Anders.

"Thank you for a great story, Hawke!" Varric shed a tear.

"A dirty one?" she laughed, her eyes full of tears.

"No. A really epic one. A story of battles, and valor, and passion. Your story, Hawke."

"Oh, Varric! You're making me cry!" she hugged him tight.

"I think I'm going to tag along, Hawke!" said Fenris. "This whole "free mages" thing is starting to creep me out, I'm afraid!" he laughed.

"What can I say? Welcome, viddathari!" Hawke grabbed his shoulders.

"Hawke, one more thing… you know, for the story… what did he call you?" asked Varric.

"Kadan. It litterally means "where the heart lies" said Hawke, her eyes lighting up with pride and happiness.

By nightfall, the Qunari had taken over Kirkwall and the city fell quiet, apart for the occasional scream and the constant crackle of the few buildings that were still burning.

"Shanedan, Besrathari. The Arishok sent for you. Meet him at the Viscount's Keep." announced the Karasten.

"Meraavas." she said and rushed out of her cabin, got off the ship and disappeared into the night.

"Years ago, I promised you we will return. And this time around there's nothing and no one who can save you from the Qun. You will learn order. You will learn discipline. You will have a purpose!" the Arishok barked at the nobles dragged in the throne room by force.

"The Champion!" a woman shrilled.

"She will be our saviour!" a young man screamed.

Hawke looked the proud kossith in the eyes as she walked towards him. _"She is my one weakness." _he thought, watching the sway of her hips. _"And my greatest strenght." _he looked into her loving eyes. She walked up the few steps and joined him.

"Your saviour?" he smirked, grabbing her waist and kissing her. She is MY female!" he growled. "Her womb, full with the fruit of our union." he continued, gently stroking Hawke's abdomen. "All your miserable lives and the entirety of this pathetic city are not worth a hair on her head. You WILL submit to the Qun!" he yelled, his eyes wild and angry.

A small human hand covered his lips. A pair of gentle, pleading eyes, asked for his own submission. A deep growl started in his chest and stopped just as fast, defeated by her warmth. His wild, restless, unforgiving nature - tied down by loving arms. _"Anything she would ask of me, I would do. In spite of myself. In spite of the Qun itself."_ he thought.

"Speak, Kadan." he retreated quietly.

"People of Kirkwall, cease your struggle! You fight a needless fight, within yourselves and with each other, for things you have no control over. You struggle because you have not learned how to give and how to receive, how to rely one one another, how to help and how to come to another's rescue. The Coterie, the countless mercenary bands, all the people living in squaler… Haven't you thrown enough of your children to the wolves? It is time you start treating each other like brothers, each one of you important and all equal. The Qun will not have no idle hands, no slaughter, no greed, no hunger, no corruption."

Hawke took the Arishok's hand and they walked out of the throne room. Some bowed their heads in acceptance. Some hanged theirs in despair. All will submit or die, in the end.

"We're filthy!" Hawke laughed.

"I'll bathe you, Kadan." he smiled, wiping a couple of dried blood drops off her cheek.


End file.
